Death by Bottomless Pit
Low-budget movies can be hilarious – without meaning to be. Big D and I like to perform our own version of Mystery Science Theater 3000 when we can’t find a “good” movie to watch. Ironically, it was a MST3000 movie we were watching when one of the main characters told the sad story of the death of her father. He had fallen into a bottomless pit – never to return.
I can’t believe Tom Servo and Crow missed this golden opportunity that Big D and I couldn’t help riffing on. “Uh, you mean he died of starvation? Or just pure boredom. How many days would that take, exactly? Can you picture it? ‘Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. . . Ahhhhhhh. . . Ahhhhh. . . Ahhh. . . Ahh. . . Ah. . . Yawn.’ “
Always be Prepared for Spontaneous Combustion
I was thinking of finishing my kitchen island with a product to keep it glossy and protected, when I read the warning on the back of the can, “Be prepared. This product could spontaneously combust.”
Ummm. . . How exactly does one prepare for something that is not only by definition, but by title, SPONTANEOUS? And why would one want to?
That could really ruin my mornings, you know. “Babe, could you pass the orange juice? And, when you get a minute, the island’s on fire again.”
Do you remember this line from the movie Overboard?
I couldn’t help but think of it when I went to pay a bill a few weeks ago. The woman behind the counter remarked, “I see you only had two more days to pay this.”
I almost drew blood from my tongue as I held back, “In other words, I PAID IT ON TIME!” For Pete’s sake, if you want me to pay the bill in 15 days, then why don’t you just make the bill due in 15 days?
Which reminds me of another great line from another great movie:
Lay Your Cards on the Table
Big D and I like to gather around the table for coffee and cards whenever we get together with his aunt and uncle. Skip Bo is our game of choice, and we can play for hours. We like to pair up – men against women, and the conversations are always colorful. Doug’s aunt and uncle are some of the best friends we have, and some of the funniest people we know. His aunt is 5 foot nothin’, tough as nails, and as generous as a dream. His uncle will do just about anything for a laugh, and literally wakes up whistling every morning.
Once, when the guys were down by a few hands, Big D’s uncle was getting frustrated. He was tired of losing, and he was sure that they were about to lose again.
Big D’s aunt, who is believed by her husband to be one of the luckiest people in the world, said with a bit of competitive condescension, “Ahh, hang in there. The game’s not over yet. Just think positive.”
And Big D’s uncle answered with this quintessential summary of his own personality:
“I do think positive. . . BUT IT DON’T DO ME NO GOOD!”